Scaring The Shit Out Of Iowa

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I like a guy who calls a spade a fucking shovel, have at it.

Thursday night, Republicans in Iowa will gather in various caucus locations to choose the candidate who will do the best job of scaring the fucking shit out of America.

Months ago, the most overzelaous fearmonger of the group, Rudy Giuliani, pulled out of Iowa and the resulting vacuum sucked Mike Huckabee and Mitt Romney into the shared role of scaring the fucking shit out of Iowa. Since then, both have proved to be equally qualified in this regard.

Additionally, with the exception of 1980 and 1988, the Iowa Caucus has correctly chosen the eventual Republican nominee. It's also worth noting that the Iowa Republicans have elevated some serious wackaloons and hoopleheads into the top three.

Pat Robertson leg-pressed his way to second in the 1988 Iowa Caucus. In 1996, Pat Buchanan narrowly missed victory by three percentage points. Three points. This demands restating: Pat Buchanan achieved second place in Iowa and, in the view of Republican caucus-goers, was only three points less qualified to be president than Senator Bob Dole. In the 2000 caucus, Iowa Republicans thought John McCain was less qualified to be president than Alan Keyes who placed third. Senator McCain placed a distant fifth.more