Friday, December 21, 2007

The McCann FSS Christmas Sale

Many thanks to internet poster "Swannie" for this clever and funny compilation.

New bargains added daily, so why not go along and make a gift selection from:

1 bag of clothing found at the airport (contents unspecified)
1 box of tissues (never used)
1 blanket (never used)
1 pair of Tanner’s spectacles (never used)
1 pair of luminous ‘Eyehore’ pyjamas (can be seen from 120m away)
1 camera (faulty timing device)
1 ‘Photoshop’ (perfect working order)
1 tape measure (automatically reduces all measurements by half)
1 phrase book (contains only 3 words – ‘ludicrous’, ‘hurtful’, ‘unhelpful’)
1 pad of ‘40 Quiz Night Questions’ (only two answers completed on 9 of the sheets)
1 Bible (just 2 pages marked)
1 Diary (only half the pages missing)
1 bottle of perfume (‘The Scent of Death’)
1 ‘Bedtime Star Chart’ (unfortunately starless)
1 child’s hair bead (all hair very, very, very carefully removed)
2 ‘Cuddle Cats’ (1 old called ‘CC’, 1 new called anything but ‘Mohammed’)
1 ton of Madeleine’s favourite cuddly toy (Auntie Phil)
1 butterfly (a ‘Red Amarel’)
1 barn owl (sorry, that’s a catalogue misprint and should read ‘barn towel’)
1 nanny (ideal for the kids)
1 scapegoat (ideal for the nanny)
500 red herrings (all overcooked)
1 bag of rotting meat (well, turkeys may be scarce this Christmas)
1 bag of dirty nappies (NOT leak proof ‘Pampers’)
50 drums of ‘Calpol’ (perfect for a quiet Christmas)
50 spare drums of cleaning fluid (works on everything but stains on character)
1 washing machine (worn out)
1 ‘Orange’ mobile phone (right out of juice)
1 window shutter (as new)
1 fridge (two cold frosty owners)
500 matching sets of his/her co-ordinated outfits (only sold as sets – no divorced items)
2 doctors’ white coats (hardly worn)
1 complete SAS outfit (could be exchanged for 1 ‘Action Man’ figure)
1 damaged Achilles tendon (perfect for the vulnerable)
1 well used tennis racket (no good for ‘serving time’)
100,000,000,000 wrist bands (could be exchanged for 2 pairs of handcuffs)
NB 1 forensic manual ‘Leaving No Stone Unturned’ (sorry, item no longer available - stolen by someone in the FSS)

(All items going cheap – except for Cuddle Cat which goes ‘meow’)


Anonymous said...

Found a sticky stack of "Dog Fancy" magazines under my cat's bed. Not going to say anything.


Himself said...


An emancipated woman, her head is unashamedly full of sex.

Anonymous said...

A heated discussion

Himself said...

Wasn't it ever thus?

Anonymous said...

The bedraggled pink cat.

As always, she [Kate McCann] is holding Madeleine's favourite soft toy - a now rather bedraggled pink cat. She has taken out the green and yellow ribbons she usually wears in her hair but there are ribbons on the toy cat and she and her husband wear green and yellow plastic armbands, the colours that denote hope for the missing.

Anonymous said...

Maddie… Maddie who? We’re watching the parents. If only the Cuddle Cat could talk – perhaps a tabloid writer could get inside the mind of the Cuddle Cat and tell us what really happened? It could be worth millions- like those diaries.

Himself said...

You couldn't make it up could you?

I see that was her "fear of pain" - slip?

Anonymous said...

As far as I know - assuming a child is otherwise healthy and/or doesn’t have experienced traumatic injury - the only thing a three-year-old fears is the needle for vaccination.