The McCann FSS Christmas Sale

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Many thanks to internet poster "Swannie" for this clever and funny compilation.

HURRY, HURRY, HURRY! LAST FEW DAYS OF ‘THE ‘FSS CHRISTMAS SALE’.
New bargains added daily, so why not go along and make a gift selection from:

1 bag of clothing found at the airport (contents unspecified)
1 box of tissues (never used)
1 blanket (never used)
1 pair of Tanner’s spectacles (never used)
1 pair of luminous ‘Eyehore’ pyjamas (can be seen from 120m away)
1 camera (faulty timing device)
1 ‘Photoshop’ (perfect working order)
1 tape measure (automatically reduces all measurements by half)
1 phrase book (contains only 3 words – ‘ludicrous’, ‘hurtful’, ‘unhelpful’)
1 pad of ‘40 Quiz Night Questions’ (only two answers completed on 9 of the sheets)
1 Bible (just 2 pages marked)
1 Diary (only half the pages missing)
1 bottle of perfume (‘The Scent of Death’)
1 ‘Bedtime Star Chart’ (unfortunately starless)
1 child’s hair bead (all hair very, very, very carefully removed)
2 ‘Cuddle Cats’ (1 old called ‘CC’, 1 new called anything but ‘Mohammed’)
1 ton of Madeleine’s favourite cuddly toy (Auntie Phil)
1 butterfly (a ‘Red Amarel’)
1 barn owl (sorry, that’s a catalogue misprint and should read ‘barn towel’)
1 nanny (ideal for the kids)
1 scapegoat (ideal for the nanny)
500 red herrings (all overcooked)
1 bag of rotting meat (well, turkeys may be scarce this Christmas)
1 bag of dirty nappies (NOT leak proof ‘Pampers’)
50 drums of ‘Calpol’ (perfect for a quiet Christmas)
50 spare drums of cleaning fluid (works on everything but stains on character)
1 washing machine (worn out)
1 ‘Orange’ mobile phone (right out of juice)
1 window shutter (as new)
1 fridge (two cold frosty owners)
500 matching sets of his/her co-ordinated outfits (only sold as sets – no divorced items)
2 doctors’ white coats (hardly worn)
1 complete SAS outfit (could be exchanged for 1 ‘Action Man’ figure)
1 damaged Achilles tendon (perfect for the vulnerable)
1 well used tennis racket (no good for ‘serving time’)
100,000,000,000 wrist bands (could be exchanged for 2 pairs of handcuffs)
NB 1 forensic manual ‘Leaving No Stone Unturned’ (sorry, item no longer available - stolen by someone in the FSS)

SO WHY NOT HURRY ALONG NOW TO THE ‘FSS CAR BOOT SOIL’.
(All items going cheap – except for Cuddle Cat which goes ‘meow’)